What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 04:53
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
How can I get a girlfriend? I am 26.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Ive learnt so much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do wives cheat with black guys?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Where's the Civil War everyone on the left said would happen?
All the time i was locked up.
I said to her
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
One cannot live in the past .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Put me off passion for life!!
This is soul school!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
She married twice! .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I waited trembling.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was seconnd youngest,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was very sick at this time too.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Comes on , in middle age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was in good health!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What did i know ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?